hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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