Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
