I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Randomize
