Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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