the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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