you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
