He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
