i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I love you. Go after that dick
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
