could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
