Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
