just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
