today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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