I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
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