last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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