It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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