party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
