yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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