I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
