Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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