I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
