You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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