im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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