Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
