She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
the condom got lost in my hair
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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