you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
