watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I look excited, but its just a facade.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize