i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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