I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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