She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
