there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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