I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
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