It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
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