my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
