Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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