I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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