I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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