I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
So squirting runs in the family.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
