Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
