I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
