He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
