I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
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