You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
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