just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
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