i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
