I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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