The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
