what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
