just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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