I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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