My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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