peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize