There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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