I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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