epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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