Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
