I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
