I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
